well, ryan and i are through. permantly. we tried as friends but it just wont work. i dont understand why..anyway

i met a boy named nick(through my sister who works with him) hes the most amazing boy i could ever hope to be with. only im not with him adn idk whats up with that yet.. ... its been a freakin long ass time since i updated... changed my pics to most recent ones..

i cant believe that im already gonna be a junior at the art school. ugh 31st is the first day..SHOOT MEEEEE.. well im kinda lookin forward to school cause it'll be a good excuse for new clothes and it'll distract me from my miserable loneliness.  ohh and me n manda got in so much trouble cause we got caught in a lie and got caught high/with pot. it sucks but i suppose its for the better. i just want to get over everything.

i have had so many bad experiances this summer and i cant even tell you how regretful i am of alotta things. shit happens, though, and i just have to take what i have coming to me. but i dont think i deserved what he did. no, i know i didnt deserve it. what he did was cruel and so messed up. words cant even describe how much i hate this kid. FUCK YOU << to him.

thats it.. xox<33

: ) amazing so far..  me n ryan are hanging out tomorrow and i can not be looking forward to the weekend any more then i already am.. hehe  its so awesome.. its like hes not even embarrased about it and matt kinda acted like he was when we did go out. and i love looking at ry's pro and seeing my initials in there.. its awesome.. best feeling i've ever had in a relationship.. hopefully he'll respect the fact that i dont wanna have sex yet cause i dont think im ready  we'll see.. but you know what sucks? idk if i said this before but all next month he's like busy all the time with tennis club.. everynight n weekend...but after that he said hes like practically done so at least thats a little bit of good news (almost done the month after next..)  idk what else to write.. school is so hard and i hate it. --<33

As of March 6th, 2005, Ryan and I are officially together...   its so awesome..since he goes to school in NY i think it'll work alot better than my other relationships cause then its not like we see eachother 24/7 and i really do like this one.. i guess he really likes me too according to Alex and im so excited... god, dont let this one slip through my fingers<3

"
If and when I can clear myself of this clouded mind,
I'll watch myself settle down into a place where peace
can search me out and find
that I'm so ready to be found .."

Ryan*3/6

omfg crazy ass weekend.. okay this is gonna be hard to remember it all... but here goes nothingg.....

friday afternoon i get off my bus n matt & mike are sitting in front of my house n i was like what do you guys want?    they wanted to just hang out until ryan got to waterbury from NY, for ryans party.  so i was like uhh no im gonna shower i'll call you up when im ready to go.. so they said okay, drove off n i got ready. they picked me up, we drove around, went to pringles n chilled... then matt leaves and pringle, mike and me all go to the mall cause they were hungry. we leave, get a 30 for ourselves and that gave me 10 beers for myself. mm so we go to the party n ryan, matt, leeann - dave- rick- kevin(ryans friends from college), tony, alex, jaci and some other people that i really dont remember were there.. started drinking, i was feeling good n leeann got drunk so we started talking n she asks "do you like ryan?" i was a little shocked she asked that but i said "yeah, i think so.. why?" n she starts telling me how he likes me alot and how she told him she didnt understand why he went with ally when he coulda been with me..shit like that....

so i go inside and me and ryan were just talking about random shit...hten pringle pulls out this giant slab of ham n goes christine take a chunk outat it so being the drunken jackass, i did like 5 times lol...but suddenly i hear loud voices yelling at eachother (girl and guy) so i go into the hall and theres alex and tony... what had happened was she called her guy friend joe, tony asked who she was on the phone with, she lied and said he called her so tony checked her phone and thats how it started.

well, i was just like tony stop being such an asshole so he started to get loud so, us being drunk and all, i decided to get loud with him too cause i hate it when people yell at me...sure enough we end up closer then 2in. away from eachothers faces just screaming back and forth. i said "shut the fuck up its a fucking phone call what the fuck is wrong with you" and he responded in a rude comment and i go shut up before i punch you in your jaw.. he goes "fucking do it right fucking now hit me"... at this point pringle and mike were holding tony back and ryan n matt were trying to calm me down.. so matt moved and i saw a clear shot so i swung at him, ryan caught my arm before i made contact with tonys jaw n i ended up slapping his neck.. after that the guys made me go into another room and just chill there for a little.. i was so drunk lol but the next morning it was all good with me n tony and tony n alex so w/e.....yeah but funniest thing ever. me and pringle were sitting on the counter when ryan walks up n just stands there infront of prignle.. suddenly pringle goes "FIRE!!!!" and give ryan the meanest titty twister ever.. haha it was fuckin hilarious.. ahh but anyywayyyy.. i ended up sharing ryans bed with him which was kinda awkward but in the morning it was normal... mm so i woke up, went to vals, showered, hung out with val for a little cause i was hung over n she was stoned so it worked out pretty well.. then ryan came n picked me up.. this is where my weekend gets interesting...

soo...i get there.. ryan loans me $6 to get 8 beers, and we were just sitting around.. mike, matt, pringle, tony, me, ryan and ryan wood & jay (? idk them) were there... so suddenly pringle leaves to get this girl stef that he likes..she was really cool, told me that i should go for it with ryan....so yeah got really drunk, just sitting around playing kings, higher lower, and up the river down the river (drinking games)  ended up funneling a full beer which was a bitch... so anyway blah blah blah to teh good stuff... me n ryan go to bed, and obviously shit happened mid-makeout ryan asks "does the age difference bother you?"  i was surprised that he asked that but i told him no, and i asked if he was.. he goes "no but i was just wondering if it bothered you" i said "why would it?" n he was like "idk"  cause hes 18/19 n im 15/16... but i really dont care about it.. but we woke up to tony jumping on ryan and just talking/layin there with us..idk it was so cute when me n ryan fell asleep.. it was liek him laying on his back w/his armaround me n my head resting on his chest.. we just fell asleep like that.. it was adorable.. but the guys (when we were making out) kept coming in and flipping the lights on and off... it was pissing me off so bad... but not a big deal.. then this morning i couldnt find my purse but turns out someone hid it under this coffee table in this sitting room near a couch w/a cloth over it so you couldnt see it at all unless you lifted it up.. but anyway thats not the point... the point is.. Excellent weekend.

picture from pringles party a few weeks ago:

Alex, Cait and Me

ok check out my gallery ifyou wanna see a really cute pic of me n ryan n other good/funny pictures... they should be up within the next 30min...--<33

okay, this pretty much sums it up---->

ahhh i think i like ryan but get this.. he asks me all these questions like "hypotetically if we went out..    do you like tony? blah blah blah", like i said before,  shit like that.. n the hugeee thing thats in the back of my mind when i think about him is ---Ally, his ex, who is now one of my good friends (they go to college in NY together),  tells me all this shit like even though their broken up they still have sex n she isnt supposed to tell anyone but i convinced her to let me know.. n yeah she doesnt know i like him.. she would like fuckin kill herself (no lie) if me n ryan got together.. but see, thats how me n ryan met.. n we started "talking", you know?  n then he went away for a week n i met his friend matt n i thought ryan didnt like me or have any interest in me at all n long story short, things stopped with me n ryan and shit picked up with me and matt...

well anyway, if i did end up getting with ryan its like, ally wouldnt know n i would find out if he has sex w/her so its kinda a good but bad situation since matt is his best friend n still likes me and matt just so happens to be my ex... so confusing on what to do. this sucks... but i cant stop thinking about him.. last night i went to vals dads house n i was just talking to him on the phone for like 1hr 30min or something, talking about the most random things and everytime i hang out with him we always kiss and i love it. we can still make out n shit (no one knows though) but the relationship thing would most likely be on the hush-hush side until summer or something... granted if anything lasts that long.... alright nothing else is new.. funneled my first beer to the chant " GO NINJA GO NINJA   GO!"    lol omg it was hilarious.. gotta love pringle man.. haha hes so funny... alright thats it.. just.. idk with the whole ryan thing.. i finally feel happy but at the same time i wanna stay single n not tied down n shit, hes probably the same way but idk i really dont feel like getting into it anymore..i need to think about something else since this weekend hes having a house party n now this week is gonna go so slow and idk whats gonna happen then.. we'll see--<33

today was okay, i saw marlana's twin brother who is so gorgeous.. lol anywayyy almost no homework n if i want to pass this quiz tomorrow i should read those 19 chapters in Moby Dick but i dont want to. i have intentions of doing it, lets see if i actually do it though... hmm idk i hopeeee theres a poker game tomorrow nighttttt : )   itd be fun to watch   i know it sounds boring but it should be a fun time.. idk umm ryan was asking me weird questions like "do you have a thing for tony? what do you think, hypothetically, if you n me 'went out', matt would do? how long do you think it would last? how many people would know about it?"   weirdd anddd random.  hmm..  idk i dont think i like him but we'll see what happens.  i really dont want a b/f right now cause i like being single... relationships always end up bad with me cause idk im usualy the one who backs outta it like with matt.. the first time it was all him though.  soo anything else new? nope, as per usual.......... hmm thats it lol --<33

heyy, nothing new here really..school sucked people noticed my hickies but not many (thank god) umm.. gotta shitload of homework to do.. boring.

yeah, idk whats goin on this weekend..hopefully a card game but we'll see..... idk..  manda n stef let me know whats goin on this weekend like saturday  hehe.. idk everyone likes those pictures on myspace.com haha thats cause me n manda n stef look ohh so sexy haha jk anyway.. idk im hungry and obesse so that means i have to go eat before i eat my cat...mm that reminds me i want chineese food... idk --<33

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