it's been a while
and i think it's time
to get back into it.
get back into the games
that we use to play.
the games were lovely,
weren't they?
yes,
falling onto knives
and running after something
we can never have...
running
and stopping.
to what end
will we go?
how far must we come
to see that
we weren't falling?
in all actuality...
we were thrusting ourselves
into a darkness
and a death
that everyone wanted;
that everyone still wants.
what is it
about the darkness,
the death,
the blood,
the sadness,
and the sharpness,
that we find so appealing?
it's mysterious
curved alleys
and dark and musty roads
look so intriguing,
don't they?
they look so beautiful
and so exciting,
right?
so different,
that we are willing
to do anything
to go down them;
and ditch the already beautiful
and sunny streets
we travel on
at the moment...

i remember laying beside you on your bed beneath the blanket and i remember the solid and rhythmic beat of your heart, and how it mesmorized me. and i remember the smell of you, and how so god damned intoxicating it was. i remeber when you use to stare at me while my eyes were closed and only inches from yours while my head rested on the same pillow that yours did and how i would open my eyes and catch you; and how we would smile like it was all just some game of hide and seek.
i hid the unforgivable to you but you found out eventually and i remember the words that you spoke and how they echoed in my mind for months. 'that's not something i would ever do.' and i hoped and prayed that you wouldn't because i know what it's like and i didn't want your curiosity to get the best of you.
and then there was the day i laid with you again, and i saw it.
i care for you way too much boyface, to let you turn out like me.

Slowly but surely, you are killing her. Each little cut, [though scarcely noticable], only adds to something bigger. Something scarier. Something unforgetable. Something too close to forever. And she just can't get rid of the comfortable thought of suicide because it's the only thing that keeps her warm at night. That and the thought of him. The thought of the nights they just sat there, and held eachother; because they knew that it was forbidden. The thought of his hand on the small of her back, and her face coverded by his t shirt because the light in the room reminded her of the day; when all she wanted was him and the night and that intoxicating smell that continues to make her more weak than she could ever admit.
'Remember that day that we stood in the rain, leaning on eachother? And how when I was told to come inside because I might get sick? And remember how I said I didn't care because I would rather be outside in the rain with you than to be warm and inside without you? {did.i.forget.to.tell.you.that.part.} And remember that night before I left, [wehadonlyhours]? Do you remember how we just stood there, holding eachother? And how I said this is the longest hug in history, and you said not yet? Rememer how tempting it was for you when you felt my breath on your neck? Remember?'

just asking. i thought you had forgotten or something.

She looks him in the eyes(those somber brown eyes that continue to paralyze her) and again he tilts his head, looks off to the corner, and stares at the floor. She could only imagine what on earth he could possibly be thinking. She opens her mouth to speak, but the words just don't come. It should be easy, she uses these two words all of the time. When she's accidently bumped into someone; when she's had an attitude with her mother and knows there is no other way out of groundation but these two words. But this time it's different. She can't speak. Only stare. Only dance around in her mind with the millions of thoughts that just keep coming. Feet flat to the floor, hands in front of her with fingers laced together and pulling on loose skin. Why wont the words come? If only she wasn't so afraid; if only she could speak; if only she could fix everything with these two words. If only it were that easy. She opens her mouth again, but quickly shuts it. He finally looks up at her, and asks, 'what?' She only shrugs. She walks out of the room, walking to nowhere.

I'm sorry.

I have no right to ruin you; to brake you.

 i hecka replaced random word today with 'guitar' while i was at youth group, because i didn't have it with me today.....it was great. 

| Home | Older Blogs >>