omfg!!! wut was i thiking telling evan everything!! i cant believe i did that!! i ruined everything! im nuthing to him and for soo long he's been this huge person in my life!! i ant believe this shit!! i mean w/e im gunna always be with jon and thats just how its always gunna be. ill never be ne thing to evan and i dont kno wut i was on when i thougt i would be something. i woke up at 2 inthe morning and wrote him and 8 page letter front and back that i dont have the guts to give to him and on top of that i dont have a bf. yeah jon but that doesnt count because hes just using me and i kno it! i kno he has another gf at his school and i kno that he just keeps me around for kicks and i dont care en more. which is sad and hurts relle badly but this is wut i deserve. somewhere i went wrong and did something to deserve this. i set myself up for it and now i just wanna die.i want it to be over with.

getting over people is hard to do and it takes forever. but those little pushes come along here and there and help you get over that person is the fun part. like once you've realized that you have wasted a lot of your life on this person and that many of the things you have now are because of them. But then you think again and run back and its always sad when you do so you push on trying your hardest to get over the person. Then you hear things directly from that person. Its not that hard to trick complete idiots, set up a different adress and you and your best friend write an e-mail talkin bout how good he is at keeping you wrapped around his lil finger. Then he writes back and tells you a secret. He has two gf's!!  tick tick tick. And then you just explode!! you want be over with it but you can't! and it hurts like a bitch and there's nuthin you can do bout it cuz u can only sit on the side lines and watch your life turn around and take different directions than what you had planned to do.

All Because Of One Person

The top of the world.....the king of the hill....wutever you wanna call it. The feeling where nuthing can bring you down. then out of nowhere something happens and you loose the feeling. Your brought back down to life where nuthing usually goes right and all you can do is just try and try and try again as your life gets more hectic by the minute. Then what you used to consider your safe haven is nowhere to be found. Sure the ctual person is there.....that one person who gives you the feeling of a serenity. your calm patch in the middle of the rapids. Yeah sure the actual person is there. For me he's my bf....my center of everything who's been there since i can remember. I can't remember life before his name...i dunnno how i delt with things. and now (though i know he's there and i know i can talk to him) he's not the same person i fell in love with....that one person who i held above all......i know its might be a phase cuz god knows ive heard that from way tooo many people. I just want it to be a short phase and when all else gives hope im only left to wonder if he'll still be there. be there like he always has been.

Heyy! yeah i know i haven't written in a while i've been on vacation. Things have surprisingly been simplistic in life. it feels as if life was restored to how it was in 3rd grade. Peaceful and calm no worries in the world. It's kinda of a nice feeling. I don't really remeber it. oh well. I know i should be worried for college or president stuff but for now i think i'll ditch thoughts for a while and live up this feeling as long as i possibly can.

me giving up on evan...my best friend i've been talking about...was the worst thing in the world for me...but he had to realize it on his own...there was nuthing i could do about it. but we have our song, only one by yellowcard. he never really listened to it any more because he had changed musc tastes. he called me 20 min ago saying he heard it and he broke down crying. on the phone this my best friend....my fake big brother....crying. he's the strong one...the shoulder i always cry on...i had never in my life heard him cry. but he was crying and telling me he was sorry and that he didn't notice it until he heard our song. he said he wanted me to tell him if he ever changed. i told him wut was different and he somehow came back to me! everything is back to how it was before...he broke up with his little bitch gf and listened to the same music again...he even threw out his new clothes! and as much as he changed in one afternoon. i still miss him...there will always be that period where he missed out on things in my life...but im glad to have him back.

ya know most of my neighbors are pretty cool. and see we have this like apt. on top of our garage behind my house. well my rrom faces it so when i open my window and play my music the evil gurl that lives there comes out and starts yelling at me that i need to learn some manners and that all teenagers are ruthless pieces of crap. why do we let her live there??

she's sooo mean and her bf is sooo nice i feel bad for that poor guy....i wounder how bad it is to live with her every day!!

love is like a rose,

it only grows on a vine once,

its a beautiful thing inside out,

but if u try to pick it...

u'll only get a handful of thorns,

because love has its own path.

and thought it may leave you in the dark,

it'll eventually find you.

and then you'll be glad it happened.

and everything will be okay.

okay so yesterdays blog was a ll depressing but its true....i miss him.....more than i could have ever imagined. and life just isn't the same. i hate the fact that we fight and i hate that he's drifting away and that he's never gunna be the same kid i knew..but i guess i'll just have to accept him as the new him...sadly. i dunno ne more.

Have you ever had this one person who has always been there for you...they've known you since forever and then all of sudden they're not there.. and u notice that life has ripped you and that person apart...and all you can do is sit and watch that person that you love soo much and hold above all..just get ripprd away. so then slowly and painfully you learn that your now alone in this world..that though you've known each other longer than anyone else...it seems like you knew them at all. like everything has gone upside down and you don't have the slightest clue on how to fix it. i hate the feeling that my best friend is gone. i talk to him all the time...i see him everyday and hang out with him every waking moment...but something is different. he's different. he doesn't like chilie fries any more an doesn't talk about his guitar. dropped out of his garage band and out of nowhere he just decides that he wants to be a jock!! thi isn't my best friend...he's not the same fake big brother that i used to know.....he's changed compleatly.

i miss him.

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