what do you do whenever you're in love w/ someone that ur dating...but deep down your heart secretly yearns for someone?

~inside story~

I'm dating a guy i've liked since the 6th grade & i'm in 9th now. We've been dating for 2 weeks. But in that 4 yrs..i created love for him and now that i'm dating him i'm really happy and i really love him.

~secret yearning~

I've known a guy since the 7th grade & we dated near the end of 8th grade. We dated for 6 months. Then we broke up cuz of an interfering distance.

We had some trouble after that and he completely shut me out of his life. I was completely in love with him and i thought he was in love w/ me, cuz i believed him when he said he did. Now a ?...how can someone just shut u out of their life if that have a strong love like they say they do?? thats a puzzle i havent been able to complete. Now we're friends again.

~now that you've been caught up~

I have no clue how he feels about me. I dont know If he hates me deep down, lost his love for me, likes me only as a friend, or deep down still loves me? These questions keep my mind restless. I'm never able to sleep unless i ponder my thoughts on these questions and come to some sort of a conclusion.

I do want him back but I dont wanna put myself through all that pain or put my heart through that heartbreak again. Plus, me and him cant ever be the same again. I wont ever try it again cuz i lost him once and i dont wanna lose him again.

He has a girlfriend now anyways, and i hope hes really happy w/ her. Cuz all i ever wanted from the beginning was him happy. I know basically all about him and what hes been through in his past. And all he needs is a good, honest, trusting, loving & caring, loyal girlfriend...that he can love and be happy with.

Apparently I didnt seem to be all that. I get that now. Somehow along those 6 months...i was protecting my heart and pushing him away w/o realizing it, so in the end i finally lost him. That was my loss..cuz he was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Still is apparently since all i've based these past few months on is trying to be a little part of his life.

I still love him and care about him deeply. All the same love i did when i was obsessed w/ him in 7th grade. Back then i could admire and obsess over him from a short distance. Now I secretly obsess from the same tormenting distance that slowly tore us apart.

~sad thing is~

After he broke up w/ me...i went into total depression. I was sad and wanting to cry all the time. The day he broke up w/ me i cried alll day during every class at school. Now i have scars on my arm from my cuts. yea thats right...he broke up w/ me...i cut myself 3 times on the arm and it sure did bleed.

Tears run down my face each and every single night, just like they are right now. All these tears are because i'm trying to sleep but all i think about is how much i screwed up and how i'll never get my first love back.

~my friends~

My friends worry about me all the time now cuz they're never sure of when i'm in depression or completely happy. I hate having them worry about me like that. Cuz my good friends that actually care...say they wanna cry because i cant be happy and i'm sooo hurt. Last thing i want is my friends to cry over me...so as far as they are concerned, I'm as happy as can be. I'm tension free and dont care to have 'Him' again. too bad i was lying to them, but it was only to protect them from wasting their tears on me.

~New Years Resolution~

1. Stay ahead in school

2. turn in all assignments

3. Be a good friend

4. Be a better girlfriend

5. Be more trusting

6. Have less tension

7. My major resolution of all...QUIT ALL GUY DRAMA

~I'm normally not scared of anything but this is my Major Fear!~

Fear- Losing the one I truly love with all my heart

Oops! guess that fear has already been played. I guess i'll wait for my heart to be fulfilled w/ love for another guy. Then I can tell myself every night "make sure to have the bandaids and a towel, kristy"..."cuz ur gonna need it to stop the bleeding of ur broken heart"

~like they say~

-Love is a slow form of Suicide-

~Every night~

Tears run down my face

Thoughts of 'Him' run through my brain

Maybe one day or maybe i'm just thinking too hard....I'll have him back. Cuz if we were meant to be like my heart believes...our next lifetime is what i have to look forward to. I know it wont be any sooner than that.

Isnt it sad that ever since that heartbreaking experience...all i expect out of guys is to hurt me after making me believe we had a serious relationship and a strong love?? it is sad. but that opinion of guys wont be changed..unless i have a miracle.

I bid adeiu......(i say goodbye)

*whoever actually read this....thank you....its nice to know my secret depression is being read*