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            music :: Linkin Park -"My December"

    mood :: extremely content .. very happy.. in love

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sorry i havnt updated my journal. its been pretty crazy, a lot of stuff going on but.. im gunna try to udate this bitch as much as i can lol.

today was an interesting day. i woke up went to school, got detentin.. talked to Jackie Calo.. haha i found out that she knows everyone from T.D.A. its pretty cool - shes a chill chick! but newho i took the bus home fer the first time in like years. i didnt know what bus to take so i was like holdingo n to Thiago n i was like im gunna get lost. well we got on the bus and Thiago beat me up =[ no fair!.. neways.. we came to "my" stop - and the bus driver DIDNT stop so i had to wait till the NEXT stop - a long ways away from my house.. oh well - i went home dropped my shit off and then i headed to see my baby <33. we played wrestlin.. then we went to my house so i could clean went to his house and "fooled around" ;} hehehe.. then he came over and we watched wrestling.. and idk it was a comfy day - and i was very happy and it was good.. and i loved it * i asked Jimmy to marry me =D ::cheese::*

i believe.. like i STRONGLY believe that me n Jim are gunna be together ferever..  i love him so much and its just great.. its gunna take time but everything will be  great.

but im gunna head off to bed, my back is KILLIN me!! -i love you Jimmy..  mis you.. NighTy**

i think, i know.. i made the biggest mistake of my life. i feel sick to my fucking stomach! its really not my fault though, but i cant talk to him, no1 understands this. i was angry - and i blacked out n then shit started clicking in my head. i became like evil n i didnt care bout anything. and when it was time for HIM to leave.. he tried to hug me but in my mind it was too late. and then he gave up - i dont blame him, but it takes such a long time fer me to snap out of this "mode".. i cant help wat i do.. im no good fer neone

i hate myself..

i hate myself...

I HATE MYSELF!!!

i feel like im goin to throw up.. i dont know if i want to see him or let it be

i love him.. why must i suffer this way.. y must i be cursed.. why cant i just do wat i want to do!?!

tired of crying, sick of trying, just fed up wit life

right now, life iz KraZzY! i have so much stuff to do i dont know where to start. i feel alone though  i have so many people around me. its like the werld is moving at a fast pace and im just moving slow-too slow. i have ice sk8ting, piano lessons, school, sleep, homework, Jimmy, and my social life. it just isnt balancing correctly! im being moved into tougher classes and i have so much homework - i need to start doing that - im failing a couple classes. i dont get to sleep early enuff and i wake up late.. it SUX! pretty soon my grandparents are going to cut me off of a "life" and ill be in the house 247 on the computer. urgh

im just soo stressed out.. im a fraid that something has come back, er maybe it never left and i hid it. but whatever it is, its showing again. everything iz gunna fuck me over i know it, the SAME shit happens year after year.

im kind of scared to go to sleep cause i found to huge spiders crawling around my bed.. MY GREATEST FEAR = SPIDERS!! im terrorfied. [sigh] oh well. but i miss my baby dearly right now - i wish i was wit him <33 i love Jim so much that it hurts - but not as much as it makes me happy. halloween iz almost here! i cant wait =] but ima go talk to jim fer a lil n then try to sleep =[

i LoVe YoU JiMMy

*deZ*

my day started shitty, but as the day went on it got a lil better. then, of course, it started to suck again. BUT ended in greatness, in VICTORY!

i woke up late so by the time i got to school i couldnt eat breakfast.. but i had study long period.. my study is in the art room, so i got to draw =] then i had to go to PIANO LESSONS!! ya'll dont know bout my piano past. i hate my piano teacher, she iz soo annoying - i dont practice just to piss her off.. but this year im gunna TRY real hard to be nice. grr piano takes up so much time. then i found out i had classes at Naugatuck Valley! thats a waste of time and money! i tell my gramma these things bust she doesnt listen. so now, every wednesday starting next week.. school ->piano ->classes ->ice sk8ting. pretty soon ice sk8ting will be on wednesdays =]. i got to see my baby after though.. so that made me happy - we watched the eclipse =] .even though all this bullshit is going on.. im extremly happy THE RED SOX WON THE SERIES!! they reversed the curse!

HAPPY MOMENT IZ NOW OVER

...i feel like shit again - its just an every day thing [sigh]

-- im gunna go do something i dont feel like writing today. nighty <33*

*deZ*

THERE WAS A LARGE PUMPKIN IN THE SKY TONIGHT

this iz my new journal! yay fer me - my old blog was Moon_myst.. its in my frends section if you want to check it out...

Today:

 hmm well today started EARLY - i was up when my alarm clock went off at 6:10 - and i was all dressed and ready fer school by 6:30. i go into school and find out that my history class was moved up from CP1 to CP2.. cool, i guess? i  come home and call Jimmy<3 then i wait fer him to call me back cause like i wasnt ready n he was cleaning. so i just chilled at my house.

i started to feel REALLY shitty. like my insides were literally crying. i barley blinked my eyes and i was so spaced out but i dont know why. i guess.. no i KNOW its cause i have so much in my past to catch up on, to fix.. that the present and the future are happening to quickly. its just the heaviest load ive had to carry. i dont want to rewind time and change something, i want to take a break - from school from a lot of responsabilities - so i can get my shit str8. i mean seriously if i dont str8tn it out now... its gunna get more fucked up and im gunna get fucked over. what would really be good is a break. i want to go see my father! damn *is it so hard fer people to understand that i hurt very deepy about him not being here? i dont think anyone knows how much my fathers absence has affected me! it tears me apart to know that i cant see him WHEN I WANT TO! hes my father fer christ sakes! my family basically says just get over it. what kind of bullshit is that?! like when my brother Guy Vivenzio died ..RIP bro..  my g-rents told me "hes not your full brother get over it" -that shit hurt me so much!- and when i wanted to move to MA they said "what are you gunna do up there nono and nona are gettin old they wont be there much longer" stop cursing my TRU family. omg i just cant handle everything right now. if i were to cry an ocean of tears, that would be NOTHING compared to how much i need to let out. the universe couldnt hold my tears, my pain, my suffering! im so angry and im so sad and depressed yet unbelievably happy. go figure? im angry cause i have every right to be - dont you dare question WHY im angry! im sad and depressed cause of my family, my life, present tragedys. but im unbelievably happy cause i have the most amazing guy.. Jimmy<3 i love him soo much. he holds my heart in his hand. and that truly is the reason it still beats.

i need to let more shit out.. it never ends and i hate it. but its all based around my father. everytime i think of him and what we had, what we were.. i cry, im crying now. every thought of happiness makes me sad becasue th only time i had happiness was with my father. i want him back so bad - i fucking hate the US and its fucking govt. taking my father at the worst possible time FOR ME, and just when he started getting better. oh how everything fucking turns on ME!. someitmes i WISH i could hang myself and let everyone know that i felt so much pain - cause no one seems to understand or know nor realize how much until you have done something crazzy, rediculous --suicide. then there are times i wish i could throw on some melow ass music and sit there wit a cig., a bottle of liquor, and pictures along wit memories --drink myself away. BUT i cant do any of that -WHY?- cause 1. IM NOT STUPID. 2. i dont drink or smoke - its fucking stupid! 3. my dad always told me to make him proud n not to do anything stupid cause he couldnt take loosing another child.

it hurts me so much to know he loves me and cares bout me and cant show. he never did in the past n now that he wants to, that hes ready to.. no one will let him.

im out fer now i feel more like shit believe it or not *WHOEVER SAID TALKING ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER IZ A FUCKING LIER. ITS ALL BULLSHIT IT JUST MAKES SHIT WORSE - FUCK YOU - AND HAVE A NICE DAY*

*deZ n Jimmy*

     4-eva->

i love you baby<33

TeStiNg My BLoG