10:36 pm
Uneventful Randomness
11:14pm
What can I say? Life has been pretty uneventful. All I seem to do is
sit here while staring into my monitor, hoping to stop thinking of my
girlfriend. There's so much I want to do with her, but the
circumstances in which we live under don't allow it. I've been trying
so hard to stop thinking of her, but no matter what I do, I'd find
myself thinking about her again.
People say it's an unhealthy obsession, I say it's a healthy longing
for something I already have. I don't understand why people seem to act
as though love is truly so difficult to find..it just doesn't seem to
occur to them that true love may find them.
My girlfriend and I were complete strangers that just admired each
other silently for almost a full year before we "officially" met.
She looked at me, as I looked at her..out of the corner of my eye, I'd
see her smiling serenely, whilst I sit there hiding my admiration for
her. After a full year of not even saying a single word to each other,
still in silent admiration, we finally met. Some unseen force of nature
had pulled us together, and since then, we became a couple.
At the time, and before she and I met, I had thought that true love was
completely non-existant on this world. I always thought that love was
just another deception of life; another lie people live with, but when
my dearest Roxana and I finally met, I immediately changed my mind.
Over the past 7 months and 8 days, it hasn't been easy. There are so
many problems and obstacles standing in our relationship. One thing is
how her family seems to get in the way of everything; because of them,
she can't even go out. They don't, and am not even supposed to know
about me -- as far as I know, they think that she and I broke up quite
some time ago. The only place she and I do get to see each other is at
school, but even then, there is hardly any time to be spent together,
with those pointless classes that we're forced to take.
But when she and I do get to get together..I'd feel true tranquility;
as though all my worries, all my pain were lifted, and there I'd be,
feeling truly happy.
All I'm able to do when we're apart is reminisce on the time we spend
together, and appreciate the light she's brought into my dark, dark
world. But the more I think about it, the more I feel it's unfair..I
just don't see why the two of us have to suffer like this, y'know?
I keep wondering to myself.. what if I hadn't been such a coward before
all of this? What if I had asked her out before her dumbass ex fucked
everything up for her? I mean..what if I get a chance to make a redo on
that part of life? Would I really? ..I just can't help but wonder what
life would be like for me and her if things were as different as they
could have been. I'd just feel so angry at myself from time to time,
and as much as I appreciate what she and I have right now, I just can't
help but wonder..what if all of this really did happen before her ex
screwed up so badly? Would our relationship really be so much different
if I beat her ex to her?
..They say that life is the way it is for a reason..but..I just don't
understand it. Everything's so fucked up, and at the same time, things
can be so perfect.
..I just can't help but think upon the past in which cannot be changed, as it's my nature.
Yeah..anyways, that's the blog for..whatever amount of time it'll take
between now and the next one. I just haven't been inspired enough to
write a blog in the format I'd usually write in on my xanga (yes, I
usually blog in my xanga, although it has been rather seldom lately). I
guess this'll be the place where I dump my more personal thoughts and
the like, whilst I'll dump the deeper, more meaningful thoughts into
xanga, or something like that.
Anyways, this is Marusame..signing out. And..I'm sorry if you read
this, Roxana. But..I'm pretty sure you already know about all of this.
At least you know some of the things that's been running through my
mind lately, right?
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Time to figure out how to fix the layout.. 
Established as of 03.20.2005 at 6:20 pm. Will probably hardly ever log onto this.