Because of my suicide attempt, I have to go to some therapeutic camp for 5 weeks.

Peace out, y'all.

I feel like some sappy freak, suddenly writing all this crappy poetry. Bleh.

Days

Days that are happy

Days that are sad

Days that are gleeful

Days that are mad

Days that run

Days that creep

Days with energy

Days without sleep

Days with feeling

Days with none

Days with enjoyment

Days with no fun

Days that are red

Days that are blue

It doesn't matter

For they are days with you

Them.

I sat there alone, in the dark

Shaking feverishly, with cold sweat on my brow

What had I done

To get myself here?

I sat and wondered,

Filled with angst and insecurity

In this dungeon of despair

I waited for the end

To draw the shades on my eyes

And this was all that was in my mind

It must have been a dream

But no,

It was as real as the sun or the moon

Could there be any hope?

Was this truly the end?

The panic spread

I needed a torch, a light

Some form of guidance

To release me from my cell

Everywhere I looked,

Fumbling in the sheer dark

I cried and mourned,

And heard someone call back

My echo?

No, it was the light

Coming to vanquish the night

The bright ambassadors took hold

And showed me how to escape

Out of the black

And into the world again.

Thank you for everything...I love you guys, as friends. I owe my life to you.

I just went through the worst time in my life last night.

Everything is burning red

The fires of hell within my head

Everything just escalates higher

Like the sparks on this funeral pyre

All that is inside of me

Is just a foreboding catastrophe

How can I continue to live this way

When all the night covers the day

Lost, confused, deep in pain

I'm just a world under constant rain

How fragile is this troubled life

To take it all with the stroke of a knife

Dangling on the edge of the blade

Should I stay, or watch it fade

Why live when everything's a rut

Dare I make the final cut

No more worries, no more pain

No more life under constant rain

No more troubles, no more strife

No more sorrowed and troubled life

No more bright and burning red

No more fires within my head

No more black and no more blue

No more days without you

Yeah, I wasn't on at all yesterday. And I really feel like cursing (I used the f word 27 times) a lot so be warned.

Ok, so yesterday I accidentally slept until 3 PM. It wouldn't have been so bad, if my mom didn't bitch about it all day. She kept on lecturing me on how it was a fucking choice of mine whether I wanted to get up or not. I really wanted to say: You're fucking wrong, I'm fucking asleep and unconcious so how the fuck can I make any fucking choices?! She says she woke me up several times, But I don't think so. So then she has the fucking nerve to take my fucking computer away for the day. Oh, how nice. And she expects my mood to be better after all that. Yeah, right. I would tell her, but then she says my mood is a fucking choice to...she should just be glad that I don't have the fucking choice to slap some sense into her. She keeps on questioning me as to why my mood has been so crappy lately, well maybe she consider that she's part of the problem. My family can suck ass sometimes.

Speaking of that, my fucking sisters can be so fucking annoying sometimes. Admittingly, when I'm all fucking pissed off my tolerance level is really fucking low, but still, they really fucking get on my fucking nerves. Especially in the fucking car, god, can't they learn to fucking calm down? They're so fucking wild and unruly, it's like they don't know the meaning of the word 'maturity'. What the fuck...gah. I can't fucking live with them much longer...and now I have these fucking worries that one day I'll get so fucking pissed at them that I'll strangle one of them or seriously hurt/kill one in my rage. I've almost killed my dad in a rage last April. Yeah, it was fucking scary. I may seem all peaceful on the outside but inside I have a fucking shit load of anger boiling over. It takes alot of fucking strength to keep it from exploding. I've lost my temper at least twice before...it was not pretty, and I felt like fucking killing myself after.

So, as you can tell, my life really fucking sucks right now.

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he's gone

No one but me can save myself, but it’s too late
Now I can't think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say goodbye

So let's post a poem I wrote when I was freakin' depressed!!

The only word

That can describe

How I feel right now

Is

Black

Sucked into this vortex

Of emptiness

And the lack

Of love that

I have come to crave

"He died broken-hearted"

Will be

Written on my grave

Don't tell me

To be

Optimistic

For the albatross

Of depression

Eats away any smile

So just let me

Slip

Further

And further

Down

Stretched thin by this

This

Black hole in which I "live"

Who can live

In constant pain

Any effort to rescue me

Is sadly

All in vain

With no form

And no soul

I lie here

Crying

Waiting for the sweet embrace

Of death

And freedom

To rescue me

From this implosion of my heart

Stretched out

Thinner and thinner

Until

I am no more

And the darkness still

Laughs

At

My

Side

Damn that was long. Now for a depressing poem I wrote:

Warning, don't read this if you have lost a loved one in war.

Boys

Grow up thinking that violence

And war

Are "cool", and "awesome"

They play with their action figures

Their G.I. Joes

With green helmets on their heads

Thinking it's cool to kill

To fill

The trenches with their dead

It's their dream to obliterate

To extirpate

To immolate

They idolize their fathers

Brothers

Sisters

Or mothers

Who are shipped off to hell

With machine gun in hand

Imagine their dreams now 

When their loved one returns

In a coffin

Draped

With a flag.

It's weird pouring my heart out and posting it on the internet for everyone to see. Oo

Anyway, apparently the girl that I liked actually isn't going out with my friend; it was just a big misunderstanding. So now she's getting all bummed about that, and in the meantime, since she's open, I feel like I'm falling back in love with her, because now there's a hope that she may feel the same way about me.

What sucks is the feeling that I may be setting myself up for heartbreak again, but I guess that's a necessary risk in the game of love. And it is a game - you either win or you lose. I may have lost earlier, but we all have to win at least once. I hope this time I will.

Dennis is closing in on Alabama with a sustained wind speed of 125mph. I have a friend who lives down there, but he's more in the middle of the state. Still, I'm worried becasue hurricanes can spawn tornados even miles away. Plus there's the chance that it will strengthen before it makes its landfall tomorrow night, therefore when it travels up Alabama it could still be devastatingly-powerful. I'm sure he'll be fine though, but I guess it's a good thing to be worried.

Speaking of worried, I'm worried about Erica...she hasn't been online in months. ; ;

Heh, my piano teacher and I were discussing musical eras, and I said I liked the Romantic Era music the best...and then she called me a romantic. Hah. I guess I am, though. I am different from most other teen boys. I don't listen to hard rock, and even when it comes to rock I still like musicians like Paul Simon, Genesis, Elton John, Cat Stevens, etc...and I listen to classical, which really sets me apart. My room is filled with posters of marine life, I like academics, I like LEGOs, even Bionicle...I dunno, it just feels so weird. I mean, looking at the stupidity and ignorance of the main "crowd" these days I'm glad I'm not like most other boys, but it still is awkward, like being left out in the cold.

| Home | Older Blogs >>