Mood: Paranoid

Music: Dope "Paranoia"

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Damn! I havnt been here in a long ass time. I guess I've just been really busy and such. I actually started paying attention in school and doing my work and such. I just recently joined the YMCA, im hopeing to get into shape for JR Prom and Tennis. OH BOY! I cant wait for tennis season to start. Im gunna OWN this year. Life - it's been going pretty ok. Jimmy and I are great! i love him so much <33. Its actually quite wierd. Ive become so comfortable and mold so greatly together that it seems, to me at least, that we're married. not a bad feeling, not at all. kind of soothing, relaxing, STRESS relieving.

Im sort of paranoid right now.. i think. maybe it was from the chocolate.. i just feel real awake and alert. kind of edgy and shaky as well. i cant really consentrate at the moment and i have urges to crack my neck every 5 seconds. lol.. NO IM NOT ON DRUGS.. im a proud "X str8 edge X" Well i went to the mall today to see my baby and everyone else and we played some warcraft nd CS.. i was owned duh.. but i was feelin the way im feeling now. Jimmy bought me a t-shirt, one o my favorite bands.. THROWDOWN.. GOSH! those guys rock! I wanted to see them so bad in concert march 3rd but i went to atreyu like the sunday before. so i couldnt go! =[ i almost cried.

i thought of something.. my life right now is pretty stressing. a lot of new stuff goin on. since im a junior i got to start thinking about college and what not. i need a job cause i cant keep depending on my g-rents (who barely give me money) and Jimmy - who shouldnt pay for stuff and he does so mcuh and im so grateful but i feel horrible about it. i DONT like borrowing/taking money.. it makes me feel weak and low ranked i guess. i dont know.. i know hes trying to help and i know i need the help, but he shouldnt have to support me in such a way. i like to be independent, though at this time it is very difficult for i cant find a job WHAT-SO-EVER. I guess i have a lot on my mind.. but im not sure of what - i guess subconscious thoughts? - maybe. but i have been loosing sleep and gettin a LOT of headaches lately. i dont mean to complain n be a pain in the ass but MY FUCKING BACK! i DoNt know whats wrong with it but it hurts like a bitch.. it feels like its bending the wrong way and i really think i did suttin to it. i hope my grandma makes an apointment to take me to a doctor.. i need to talk about WHY my boobs grew, my back hurts, and i got headaches.

i'm going to try and open up a little- hopefully it will help.

i feel insecure about a lot of things. and i feel confused. maybe because of the way i grew up, the way i was taught things, shown. i mean i grew up on distrust, violence, drug abuse, and alchohol. i was looking through pictures and i remembered how i always used to say i was so unhappy and i was but not to the point that i expressed it. and as i was looking at the pictures i see how happy i actually was.. but then i look at me now and im garbage.. i feel like trash - worthless. NOTHING. i feel hatred for myself. how i look, act, what i do and dont do. its horrible, disgusting - and so am i. i realize im a failure. i mean i NEVER do what i say im gunna do. and i regret it.. for a while then ferget about it and when reminded about it - it hurts. i feel as if i cant do anything right, that i try SO hard not to fail that i fail anyways.. i hope i get my shirt str8nd out SOON. i really need to be clear minded. stress free and happy. [sigh] im too tired right now.. i need to sleep

Friday night.. .

      Jimmy, Matt, Amanda, Joe, Steff, and me went to go see Boogeyman! I thought that movie was awesome, probably one of the best I've seen in a while. I was really scared through most of it, until the end. Boogeyman.. 2 thumbsup! though people argue that it wasn't that great.. BULLSHIT.. you know it was hot.. just admit it! After the movie, Stef's mom brought everyone home in the "bus" LOL. I went to Jimmy's for a while because I didn't have to be home for another half hour. to make a long story short, I owned.. but its only cause I LOVE him...

Saturday.. .

       The day started off pretty well. I didn't go ice skating so for I could get some extra sleep. *I really need sleep!* My back is still hurting from the last time we went filming. [TDA boys and DEZ went filming at Chase.. I was gunna try and jump on top of Jay while he sleded down a hill and I missed and rolled off. My back was all red, scratched, and bleeding a little bit. Dead serious... i wanted to cry.] Maybe 3 days have gone by and my back is looking better, but its just feeling worse.

      My aunt Filomena came and picked me up to leave for Massachusettes. Long drive of nothing. When we got to the house, I did my homework and the family sat down and watched a bootleg HIDE AND SEEK, had some Mac and Cheese, then relaxed.. sort of. The little cousins were being "fresh." NO they were really bad that I wanted to hit them. At about 5:30 I called up CoCo and asked if she wanted to go Ice Skating or to the mall. -the mall of course- LOL. So we went to the Eastfeild mall till about 9:30. I saw Brendon, Teddy, and I met a guy who eats girls out for a living -NO LIE. I played some DDR and CoCo beat me in Air Hockey for the first and last time -it was because I was not trying!

      At the mall I tried to call Jimmy. I don't know what happened with that. i was thinking about him all day and I just REALLY wanted to talk to him -plus I found a pretty hot shirt that i bought for him. ANYways.. I felt, un-important, like CS was all he was focusing on. I almost started crying.. I was pretty down the rest of the night. He said I was being bitchy.. I don't know.

[ what happend was.. I called Jim's cell and it was MADD loud, i guess he couldnt hear me. In my mind, I thought he'd at least go somewheres quiet for a second. I mean, what if I had to tell him something really important? ANYways he just kept asking "what?" and it pissed me off so I hung up. Then he text me.. "what?'' that made me even more upset.  so I went into the arcade to play games and I guess he called me 3 times or something. You don't get service in this mall. So I called back.. told him what I first called to say and then he said hed call later.. it is now LATER .. its 11:00 and this conversation was at like 7:30. I think everythings fine.. is it? Maybe I'm still a little bit upset. It's a stupid reason, but it really makes me think. If he couldnt stop from playing a game to hear what I have to say.. I don't know, its not right. Really, what if it was something REALLLY important? I dont know, it doesnt matter anymore.]

--now i know better then to bother him while he's playing CS.--

Now.. .

      Now I'm sitting here, waiting for a call. I text him saying goodnight because Im just really depressed and stuff and I dont want him to hear me.. but he called, saying he'd call back. so Im waiting.. I'm extremely tired and I want to sleep, but I'd much rather talk to my baby.

      I guess you can say Im sort of jealous of Jimmy. Im hurt.. upset.. madd.. whatever you want to call it, that Jim can have fun and I can't. Not because he said I can't or because i don't want to, but becasue I can't. I don't have close friends that I can hang out with, Jimmy does. I'm not even really close to ANYone in TDA cept for Joe and Jim and thats only cause they live down the street. I thought I used to have friends. They were great to. But now all they do is smoke, drink, go to parties.. that's not my style. I wish things could be good again. I want friends, some sort of happiness. [sigh]

      Is it bad that nothing makes me happy anymore. The only time I am is when im around friends.. "friends".. aquaintences.. and.. Jimmy. especially around Jimmy. even though we fight time to time. NORMAL THING TO DO IN A RELATIONSHIP. i guess i sometimes get mad that its seems/is easier for jim to have fun and wut not.. its stupid, but it hurts to see someone you have fun with have fun without you. and you not able to have fun at all.. get it? i doubt it! But seriously, Im worried about myself. Music doesn't even make me happy anymore, nothing. I spent all my money on things to help me have fun, and now i have no more.. no fun.. I need to stop going to the mall too.. its over 20 bucks each time you go! .. $15 for CS, $5 for food, $9 for ticket, $5+ for snacks etc. its rediculous. and I have NO MONEY.. so no more mall, which means even less of fun for me. im just being swallowed up by a giant hole!

well im too tired to wait any more for him to call.. too tired to sit here and type.. to tired/fed up/depressed/every other fucking thing.. to do anything..

.-~* -- Stefania Helen Pia Vivenzio 

Mood: DEPRESSED ::hangs self::

Music: None. all i hear are the voices depating and arguing

.*~-.[x].-~*.+.*~-.[x].-~*.+.*~-.[x].-~*.+.*~-.[x].-~*.+.*~-.[x].-~*.+.*~-.[x].-~*.

ok so i got sic of the plain ass blue/black blog so.... i changed it! you like.. *NO*.. yeah well too bad FUCK you! =]

Ok well, life as I know it is falling apart. I'm so unbelievably happy .. yet.. utterly depressed beyond belief/imagination/reason. I just DONT understand what's going on with me. Whether it be physically, mentally, emotionally, or *I guess* even spiritually. Everything is going so right but but at the same time completely wrong. I have noticed a great deal that the ONLY time im truly happy is when I'm with Jimmy. It seems as f he's the "missing" link." Don't get me wrong, when im with friends I'm happy too, but not as happy as I would be with JUST Jimmy. It's complex to explain. Lately I've been having a lot of "mixed feelings" toward things, people, places. Nothing feels right anymore. I don't know if you people are understanding this, but it's the only way i can think to explain it at the moment.

I find myself awlays wanting to cry. I don't think anything starts it and I don't know waht finishes it but it comes and goes. It drives me crazy not knowing what is going on with MYSELF. Is it too much stress? Because I feel so alone? URgh! The temptations of blood spill turns greater and greater each day. Designing my body of pain. It would look so beautiful. The only reason I don't cover myself in my own misery is because of Jimmy. We had made an agreement that we'd no longer do those sorts. I am finding it extremly hard to stick to that agreement. But I am a woman of my word. So instead I'll sit there and rock, back and forth, rubbing my arm brutaly till it turns a bright blood red. Salted tears streaming down my face. With it's cold bitter taste and itchy dry feeling of frustration. Abruptly stopping as if never started in the first place. Forgetfull i must be, for after this, I can not remember anything. Is it because I don't want to remember? Deleting the memory's so that I will never feel that pain again? I know nothing except my love for Jimmy and my longing to be with him ..in life .. in death

-Abhorresence

....its been a LONG time.

nothing really has changed.. goten better.. maybe worse. i guess.

visually everything looks fine, everything seems fine. but fact is.. it always does. but deep down inside.. hidden away is the truth. NOTHING is ever fine.

i have come to realize a lot of things.. i'll make a list cause im a dork like that. and they may seem kind of cocky but its not meant like that.. TRUST i am sooo not cocky!

1) i AM pretty. most days im decent. when i take time to dress and do my hair and such i am beautiful. and some days i got the uglys but its life.

2) i AM smart. i realized that i am so smart. my teachers always tell me i could do so much better. i know i could to if i actually tried and if i actually cared.. i could be sooo smart and stuff.. but i have no will.. i have nothing/no one pushing me.

3) i have talent. yet again i could do so much if i actually tried and if i actually cared.. if there was a reason i should try or care.

4) im in-love. jimmy and i ARE really going to be together for ever... eternity.. i shall love him even after my last breathe. though my eyes will be shut i will still see him, though my body dead and cold, still feel him. i love you

now if i can just find a reason to try in life.. i think id be a lot more happier.. like i want to be smart i want to be talented.. and i AM but i cant show it.. grr

i dont know why i dont try

it seems as if i just...

cant.

Sometimes I Feel

That Im Lying,

Deep Inside

as of late, old frends and fergotten memmories have haunted me. thinking of the past hurts and scares me.. "history tends to repeat itself" ..thats the only fear i have right now. That AND losing Jimmy.. [sigh] i dont know what to do or how to handle anything anymore. im so confused literally thought-less.. nothing goes thru my head anymore, the only pain and happiness i ever feel is in my heart (only when it involves Jimmy in some way.) i cant take a lot of things right now, its gettin hard to deal and stick with. i dont know why. I guess i KIND of give up.. i give up trying sooo hard to find a way to see him.. i have to sneak around a lot.. i hate it. when i say im gunna go to 711 and hang out and what now, its easier to get away and stuff though its only for a few hours. [sigh] today, tonight.. i want to see him i want to be with him.. i love him so much! i cant handle it sometimes. and i hear ppl say "were gunna be the next Jimmy and DEZ" .. i wish you guys GOOD LUCK.. with great happiness comes great pain. i have NEVER been so happy in my hole life.. but id never hurt this much (over just one person) either. when shit gets tough er a lil hard dont give up if u truly believe.. thats the only thing thats STOPIN me from "giving up" *i DONT GIVE UP!!* but i truly believe Jim and I are ment to Be.. thats why where Engaged.. i love you Jimmy.. ive never been so comfortable, happy, and so many more great things.. i love you baby .. i need you, i miss you, i hope i see you tonight and i hope shit works out

sorry, again. i havnt had much time to update and what not. i been so busy seeing my friends and just hanging out and stuff, being witt my love.

well im back at "home" with my grandparents. its hasnt been so bad, but still not great. i've gone to school and gone out about everyday so far. but i know that this will stop soon. [sigh] well i have midterms this week. grrr they make me angry n i stress over them so much for no reason. the only one im REALLY worried about is Chemistry cause Mr. Cote is a psycho, but totaly awesome teacher. he expects way too much. since i get out of school at like 11:30 er suttin EVERYDAY.. im hoping i can go places cause if not that will be retarded!! GOSH! haha.

well thursday January 6th was Jim and Is anniversary.. unofficially: 6 months.. officially: 4 months.. we're doin good.. more in-love then ever.. though shit is tough right now for both of us, especially my baby. hes got so much on his plate right now, i just wish i could be there for him right now, help him with things.. id gladly take as much as i could off his plate, if i could.. but i dont know, all i can do is be there for him when he needs to talk and see him as much as i can.. i love him so much. seein him goin thru this, even though its a part of life, it KILLS me.

(if you have no idea whats goin on read his journal.. ODIUM.. it'll prolly make a lot more sense.)  i wish i could take away every bit pain he ever felt.. every bit of pain he feels now.

well i need to go i have to STUDY.. blah!

"its the worst day ever, what do you think?!"

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